


When In Rome

by Dracothelizard



Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys
Genre: Ancient Rome, Crossdressing, Gen, Saturnalia, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 03:31:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2836457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracothelizard/pseuds/Dracothelizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Autolycus finds out Emperor Elagabalus is going to unveil his greatest treasure on the last night of Saturnalia, he immediately heads to Rome to steal it. On his way, he meets up again with Salmoneus, the Widow Twanky and her dancing troupe. </p><p>It turns out the Widow Twanky is also hoping to perform in the Emperor's Palace during Saturnalia, and what better way to get into the Palace than as a dancing girl?</p>
            </blockquote>





	When In Rome

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Emiline](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emiline/gifts).



Autolycus pulled the hood of his cape further over his head. What had he been thinking, walking all the way to Rome? Visiting the Saturnalia festival had seemed like a good idea a couple of weeks ago when he had heard rumours that Emperor Elagabalus was going to unveil his greatest treasure yet. And besides the Emperor’s fabled treasure, there would be plenty of other rich Romans who would be too drunk and too busy with their parties to keep an eye on their belongings.

So yes, it had been a perfectly good idea, except for the fact that Rome was miles and miles away. He glanced around. There were plenty of other people travelling to Rome on horse or with carts. He had passed merchants, families, entertainers… there had to be someone who was willing to offer him a ride.

Up ahead were three slowly moving wagons, their sides painted several shades of pink and purple. Entertainers, wonderful. He couldn’t see any guards yet, which was even more wonderful. He hurried up to get to the first wagon, not even pausing to read the name on the side.

“Good afternoon there!” he said, once he had caught up. “Heading to Rome as well?” Now that he was finally able to look up properly, he realized that the person guiding the horses was very familiar indeed.

“We most certainly are – Autolycus, is that you?” Widow Twanky exclaimed, surprised and smiling. “What a delight to you again.” Her smile turned into a stern frown. “Now, you’re not in any trouble, are you?”

“No, no,” he immediately replied, still surprised to run into her again. “No more than usual. Say, can I hitch a ride with your dance troupe? I’ve been walking for days and my feet are killing me.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “Well, I suppose so, but no funny business with my girls.” She slowed the horses down to let Autolycus climb up.

He settled down next to her, sighing with relief. “Wasn’t even thinking about it!”

“Good,” she sniffed, making the horses speed up again. The pace was slower than if Autolycus had walked, but at least he was more comfortable now. “Now then, Autolycus, why are you heading to Rome, hm?”

He was about to lie and tell her that he was going there for pleasure only – which wouldn’t even be that much of a lie – when they were interrupted. The curtain behind them opened, and Salmoneus leaned forward. “Mistress Twanky, I’ve been going through your books and – oh, hey Autolycus! When did you get here?”

Autolycus gave Salmoneus a nod, and moved away from him a little. “Just then. Anyway, what are you doing here? Couldn’t resist the feather boas and sequins?”

“Ha ha,” Salmoneus replied drily. “No, Mistress Twanky needed an accountant and obviously she asked me!”

“To be honest, you were the only one we could afford!” she explained.

“The troupe is in financial trouble?” Autolycus asked, feeling bad for the Widow and her dancing girls.

“Why do you think we’re going all the way to Rome?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Everyone knows that with a good Saturnalia you can earn more money in a week than some do in a year! Trust me, the Twanky Tulips are going to take Rome by storm. We’ve been practising for weeks, getting every step and every movement just right.” She eyed Autolycus and Salmoneus again. “Now, are you sure you don’t want to join again, boys? There could be good money in it for you too.”

Autolycus laughed. “Sorry, Twanky, but my moustache has only just recovered from last time,” he said, stroking it meaningfully.

“That’s a shame, because if the two of you joined us for our performances, we could definitely get an invite to the Emperor’s Palace. If anyone would appreciate your Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle, it’s Emperor Elagabalus.”

“Really?” Autolycus asked, starting to get interested. If Widow Twanky could get him into the Palace, that would make everything a lot easier. “How do you know?”

“But how are we going to fool an Emperor and all his guests?” Salmoneus shook his head. “He’s going to notice we’re men, you said last time that me and Autolycus stuck out like sore thumbs!”

The Widow Twanky just smiled. “Well, between you and me, boys, that is exactly what Emperor Elagabalus likes. He has a bit of an, ah, eccentric taste in entertainment, shall we say? Why don’t the two of you think it over?” she said before Salmoneus or Autolycus could argue. “We still have plenty of time before we reach Rome. But I would like to remind you that I did save both your lives last time.” She smiled at them, then turned her attention to the horses.

Autolycus looked at Salmoneus, and climbed over the seat to get through the curtain and into the wagon. “Right,” he said, as Salmoneus stumbled backwards and fell down, sending several scrolls and books flying. Fortunately, the wooden walls of the cart and the roof kept them from falling out. “Let’s get shaving. We’ll start with you.”

Salmoneus scrambled to grab the scrolls and glared at Autolycus as he neatly arranged them in the centre. “I don’t think so, Autolycus. Last time we got very lucky, and I am not going through that again.”

“Come on, it was fun,” Autolycus crouched down next to Salmoneus. “Bathing with the girls, having the audience cheer and applaud you, bathing with the girls…”

Salmoneus scowled at him. “I missed out on that last time thanks to you!”

“And I am very sorry about that,” Autolycus lied. “Consider it a chance to make up for it.”

“Either way, we won’t be able to bathe with the girls, because they all know we’re actually men,” Salmoneus pointed out. “And anyway, why are you so keen on getting up on stage again?”

“I am keen to get into the Emperor’s Palace,” Autolycus explained. “Because on the final night of Saturnalia, Elagabalus is going to unveil his greatest treasure. And I’m going to steal it. This dance troupe is my best way of getting in there, so what d’you say, Salmoneus? One last Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle for old time’s sake?”

“I want half,” Salmoneus said. “Of whatever this greatest treasure is. What is it, anyway?”

“No one knows,” Autolycus replied. “And you are not getting half.”

“If I’m going to do half the Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle for this, I want half of the treasure.”

“I’m the one who’s actually going to steal it, not you!”

“Well, you can always do the Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle by yourself…” Salmoneus smiled, and opened one of his scrolls. “I have to do the accounting, Autolycus.”

Autolycus huffed. “Fine. You can have half.” He would simply have to steal it back afterwards.

Salmoneus held out his hand. “Then we have a deal, partner!”

“Thanks, partner,” he grumbled, shaking Salmoneus’ hand.

Elagabalus’ greatest treasure had better be worth it.

*

He had forgotten how painful the heels were, and how annoying it was to have to shave and make sure his chest, legs, arms and face were all hairless. And had the corsets become tighter since he had worn them last?

“And two and three and four and twirl and six and seven and kick and – Autolycus, you have to kick higher!” Widow Twanky shouted, as they practised one of the dance numbers. They were only one day away from Rome and Saturnalia would start in the day after that. There wouldn’t be much time.

Autolycus swore as they started over again. The girls didn’t mind that he and Salmoneus had rejoined, although they were a little surprised. And how was he supposed to dance in these heels in the grass, anyway? In full costume?

Some of the passersby had paused for a moment to watch their rehearsal, but all had moved on without comment or a tip, which Autolycus thought was the most insulting of all.

“You were a little late there, Salmoneus,” Widow Twanky called out, “with your fan! And again, girls, from the top!”

Autolycus sighed. He could kiss enjoying Saturnalia goodbye if Twanky kept up this busy routine for the next week. He pulled up his corset and adjusted the bunny ears. Who cared? If this treasure was as great as the rumours said, he would have enough money to celebrate for the rest of his life.

*

They stayed in a small hotel in the outskirts of Rome, and Widow Twanky had forbidden them to go out and enjoy the city. “Saturnalia starts tomorrow, girls,” she had told them. “And I want you all fresh-faced and in tip-top shape! Especially you two,” she added, gesturing at Salmoneus and Autolycus with her fan. “I’m keeping an eye on you!”

“Don’t worry, I’m hitting the hay as soon as I get in my room,” Salmoneus said.

Autolycus nodded. He could explore his surroundings tomorrow and familiarise himself with the alleys and streets of Rome, and the area around the Emperor’s Palace. For now he wanted nothing more than a soft bed.

*

The next day, they performed in a bar a few streets from their hotel. It was small and could do with some maintenance, but Twanky assured them that if they did well, they would be performing in better places soon enough. “Keep your eyes on the prize, girls!” she told them, before telling Autolycus and Salmoneus to go on stage.

Autolycus definitely kept the treasure in mind as he and Salmoneus did their Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle. The men and women in the bar loved it, cheering and applauding as they twirled their fans and threw bits and pieces of their dresses away.

Widow Twanky gave them both a proud smile when they went backstage, still covering themselves with the fans. “Well done! Oh, you two were born to be on that stage.” She sighed again, smiling happily. “Now, get changed for your next routine and don’t forget to kick nice and high.”

“But not too high, right?” Salmoneus asked. “I mean, you don’t want to audience to know you’ve got two men in your troupe.”

“Well, not the entire audience, no,” she said, winking at them. “But if one or two eagle-eyed audience members found out, I wouldn’t object.”

Autolycus and Salmoneus exchanged looks as Widow Twanky left them to help one of the other girls with her hair. “Do you really think she’s right and that us two performing as girls will get us to the Emperor’s Palace?” Salmoneus asked.

“I sure hope so,” Autolycus replied, who had been wondering the same thing. What kind of eccentric Emperor would want to see men in corsets and wigs perform a dance number when he could watch beautiful women do it instead?

*

The next few days flew by. They performed twice a day and as Twanky had promised, they got invited to better bars and even private house parties.

Autolycus spent his spare time scouting out the alleyways and streets around the Emperor’s Palace and checking out the guards. Even during Saturnalia there were still a lot of them, all well-armed and well-trained from what he could tell. But there were also windows and walls to climb down into the gardens, and some of the alleys were quiet. He stayed long enough to learn that the guards patrolled every hour and always used the same route, and that new guards came to replace the old ones every four hours or so.

That greatest treasure had better be something he could easily hide in the hollowed out melons he wore in his corset. No guard would think to search him there.

*

“We have done it, girls!” Widow Twanky cried out excitedly after their performance for a powerful Senator. It had been an afternoon performance, and the audience had been small and not nearly as loud as the bar crowds, so Autolycus had half-assumed that the audience hadn’t liked them. “We have an invitation to perform in the Emperor’s Palace on the final day of Saturnalia! Oh, you have made me the happiest woman in the world, girls.” She wrapped two of the dancing girls in a tight hug, and the others joined the group hug.

Autolycus and Salmoneus joined in as well, although Twanky soon pushed them away. “No funny business, remember?” she told them, then broke into a happy grin again. “The Palace! Oh, we’ll definitely need to rehearse while we can, the performance is tomorrow evening! It has to be absolutely perfect. And I couldn’t have done it without you.” She grabbed both men in a hug and kissed their cheeks. “Now you have to promise me to be on your best behaviour in that palace, do you hear?” She gave them a stern look. “No fighting the guards or anything.”

“Trust me, I wasn’t planning on it. So, what’s the schedule for the Emperor’s party?” Autolycus asked. “Are we performing first? Last?”

“Oh, we’re somewhere in the second half after some great big announcement from him. But don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to prepare. Now run along, I need to go buy some extra fans!”

Once Twanky had left them, Salmoneus leaned closer. “So, what’s your plan for tomorrow?”

“We do the Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle as planned, I slip out, steal the treasure, and return in time for the grand finale,” Autolycus explained. From what Twanky had said, it sounded like Elagabalus’ grand announcement would be about his treasure, which meant that it would be kept near the room the party was in. Perhaps even in it. That would be risky, but nothing he couldn’t handle. “All you have to do is cover for me. Can you do that?”

“No problem,” Salmoneus replied.

Somehow, Autolycus didn’t feel reassured, but then, beggars couldn’t be choosers when it came to accomplices. If everything else failed, he could always claim Salmoneus had been the mastermind behind the entire thing and run off with the treasure.

*

The next day, during a gruelling rehearsal, a messenger from the Emperor was a welcome interruption. Autolycus immediately sat down on a nearby chair as he watched the slave talk to Widow Twanky. She looked surprised, then happy, then surprised again, so it couldn’t be bad news.

“What do you think he wants?” Salmoneus asked, leaning on Autolycus’ chair as he gasped for air.

“No idea,” he replied, glancing at the messenger and Twanky from the corner of his eye.

After a few brief minutes, both Twanky and messenger walked over to them. “Autolyca, Salmonella, wonderful news.”

“What is it?” Autolycus asked, affecting the same higher-pitched voice as he had used last time.

“You two have been invited to give Emperor Elagabalus a very special private performance of the Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle!” Widow Twanky exclaimed, clapping her hands. “Isn’t it wonderful?”

“It sure is!” Salmoneus agreed.

Autolycus smiled as well, although on the inside he wasn’t so happy. On the one hand, it would be a great chance to steal the treasure already. On the other hand, since there would only be the two of them with the Emperor, the guards would be more alert than usual. And what if Widow Twanky had been wrong that Elagabalus liked men who performed as if they were women?

*

Emperor Elagabalus was younger than Autolycus had expected, a teenager compared to the guards surrounding him.

“Welcome to my palace! D’you like it?” he asked as he greeted them.

“We most certainly do, Emperor,” Salmoneus curtseyed before the Emperor. “We are very honoured to be here, and –”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” The Emperor grinned at their puzzled faces. “Now I have heard much about you, Autolyca and Salmonella. You two _ladies_ –” The Emperor winked at them “- have created a stir in my city. Obviously I had to see for myself.”

Autolycus gulped. It seemed Widow Twanky had been correct, the Emperor did like that they were men.

“So how about my private show, huh?” the Emperor asked, rubbing his hands in glee already. “I can’t wait to see it!”

Autolycus and Salmoneus followed the Emperor, and Autolycus got nervous when he saw just how many guards there were. This was gonna be more difficult than he had thought.

*

The Emperor’s private rooms were lavishly decorated, and a slave brought them wine and other treats. Elagabalus then dismissed the slave and his guards with a quick wave of his hand. Autolycus only took a few sips of wine, wanting to keep a clear head. Salmoneus had his cup finished within a few big gulps, and took some of the food. “Mm, this is delicious, what is it?”

“Oh, that’s just some camel’s feet with flamingo brain,” Elagabalus said, taking some himself. “But yeah, it is nice, isn’t it? Autolyca, have some.”

“I couldn’t possibly,” Autolycus replied, smiling and patting his waist. “The Widow Twanky ordered us girls to watch our figures!” Next to him, Salmoneus was starting to look green as he tried not to spit out his flamingo brain.

“Come on, just have one stuffed snake.” Elagabalus reclined on his sofa. “They’re scrumptious!”

“Perhaps later,” Autolycus lied. “But, er, you wanted to see our performance of the Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle?”

“Yeah!” The Emperor sat up at that. “I’ve heard it’s amazing, so for your sake that better be true. Or else Widow Twanky is gonna have to perform tonight without two of her dancers.” He chuckled, and Autolycus and Salmoneus chuckled politely.

Autolycus got up, Salmoneus following him. There was a small room next to the Emperor’s private room for them to get changed in.

“I am out of here,” Salmoneus hissed. “That guy is a nutjob!”

“Calm down, one performance and we’re gone. And remember, greatest treasure.” Autolycus was definitely reminding himself of that. “If we put him in a good mood, we can find out what it is.” That would certainly help him steal the thing tonight.

Salmoneus hoisted up his corset and checked that his melons were in place. “Don’t tell me to calm down. Ugh, I can still taste the flamingo brain.”

Autolycus put the bunny ears on. “That’s what you get for being greedy.”

*

The Hoochie Coochie Jiggle Wiggle had never gone better. Since Elagabalus already knew they were men, Autolycus was a lot less worried.

The Emperor loved the fans, ooh’ed at the twirling and clapped when Salmoneus and Autolycus threw their corsets at him simultaneously. “Encore!” he shouted, as they were about to head back into their improvised dressing room.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until tonight for that, Emperor,” Autolycus said, and pushed Salmoneus behind him to get into the other room.

They quickly got changed and re-joined Elagabalus, who was eating some of the stuffed snakes. “That was amazing,” he said, grinning. “Can’t wait to see it again tonight.”

“We’ve heard it will be quite the party,” Autolycus said, eager to grill the teenager about it. “And very special.”

“All my parties are special, but yeah, this one definitely is. I am gonna show them something they have never seen before,” Elagabalus said, grinning wider now. “I bet you’re gonna love it.”

“Is that the great treasure I heard about?”Autolycus asked, scooting forward on the sofa.

“Yeah! D’ya wanna see it?” Elagabalus stood up. “I can get it right now.”

Autolycus held his breath for a moment. The Emperor was going to show them his greatest treasure, and they were alone in the room with him. The gods were smiling upon him, they had to be. “We’d love to,” he managed, trying not to sound too eager.

“Wait here, I’ll be right back!”

“Don’t steal it,” Salmoneus told him quietly as soon as the Emperor had left. “Please, if they catch you they’ll catch me and I am not dying because of you.”

“Relax,” Autolycus said, eyeing the windows. They weren’t that high up and Salmoneus could soften his fall. “It’ll be fine.”

“You always say that, and then it never is,” Salmoneus huffed, folding his arms.

They both smiled when Elagabalus returned, holding something round and floppy. “Here it is!”

“Is your treasure in there?” Autolycus asked, frowning.

The Emperor grinned. “Just wait.” He turned to the door. “Hey, send a Senator in here! Yeah, a really important one! Hurry up!” He blew into the pink-coloured floppy object, and it expanded slightly. “Just wait, this is gonna be brilliant,” the Emperor said as he put the object on the seat of a sofa.

A few seconds later, a Senator walked into the room, bowing before Elagabalus. He looked stern, his grey hair short and his toga neatly in place. “Emperor, how may I be of service?”

“Have a seat,” Elagabalus said, sniggering as he took his own. “That one, right there.” He pointed at the sofa that had the object on it.

The Senator frowned slightly when he noticed something was already lying on the seat, but when the Emperor gestured for him to sit, he did.

A high-pitched noise escaped from underneath the Senator, and Autolycus instinctively pinched his nose. That sound could only mean one thing: a great, big, stinky fart. Salmoneus turned away as well, and the sound seemed to last forever as the Senator’s face became redder and redder.

It ended with an awkward squeak, and the Senator was blushing furiously. “My apologies, Emperor, I don’t know – it wasn’t me, I swear, I meant no disrespect, you have to believe me!” The man fell onto his knees in front of the Emperor, pulling on his toga.

“Oh, stop it,” the Emperor said, shoving the Senator away with his foot. “It’s just my greatest invention ever.”

“What?” Autolycus asked, letting go of his nose. Where was the terrible smell that should be lingering in the room?

“Yeah.” The Emperor stood up, pushing the Senator aside with his knees, and walked over to the sofa to pick up the floppy object. “I made it from a pig’s bladder. If you inflate it and someone sits on it, it sounds like they’re letting out a _massive_ fart.” He chuckled. “Isn’t it amazing?”

“That’s your greatest treasure?” Autolycus asked, staring at the Emperor. “A pig’s bladder?” He took a deep breath to calm himself down. The Emperor’s greatest treasure was something that made it sound like someone had farted? What the hell was he supposed to do with that?

“Of course!” The Emperor said, giggling again. “I’m gonna use it tonight at the party.” He turned to them. “Don’t tell anyone or I’m going to have you thrown to the lions.” He burst out laughing and Salmoneus and Autolycus joined in uncomfortably.

Autolycus felt like strangling the annoying teenager with his bare hands. He had travelled all this way, had worn heels, had shaved, had worn a corset, had danced in front of crowds, and he had told himself that it would be worth because he would get to steal the greatest treasure of the Roman Emperor.

And now it had all been for nothing.

“We won’t tell a soul!” Salmoneus promised.

“Same goes for you, now get out,” Elagabalus told the kneeling Senator. The older man quickly scurried out. “What did you think? Isn’t it hilarious?”

“Very,” Salmoneus said, while Autolycus was fighting the urge to scowl. “What do you call it?”

“I think I’m gonna call it a whoopee cushion,” Elagabalus said, throwing his pig’s bladder in the air and catching it. “’Cause it’s a cushion, you know.” He grinned again.

Salmoneus scooted forward on the sofa, and for some reason there was a glint in his eyes. Autolycus didn’t know why the other man was so happy about this. Did he really like terrible fart jokes? “Have you considered selling it?” Salmoneus asked.

“Sell it? Don’t be an idiot, I’ve only got this one and how else am I gonna prank my Senators?”

“No, no, I mean, what if you make more, and sell those? I bet once you demonstrate them tonight, they will become really popular. Really, really popular,” Salmoneus explained, smiling. “People will want them for themselves.”

Autolycus stared at his friend. Was Salmoneus trying to make a business deal with the Emperor here? “You know, I bet they won’t just be popular in Rome, but also in Greece,” he added. “We’re very familiar with what sells there.”

“Really?” Elagabalus asked, glancing at his whoopee cushion. “You think this could make me richer than I already am? ‘Cause I am really rich already.”

“Definitely,” Salmoneus said. “We can help you set up a distribution network across the Roman Empire and Greece. Who knows, maybe the barbarians in the north will love it too!”

“Huh.” Elagabalus turned to look at them. “That does sound pretty interesting and I do like getting even richer. I guess I could you cut you in on fifty percent of the profits.”

“Fifty?” Autolycus asked. If they were going to do distribution, they should get a lot more than that.

“Or maybe forty,” Elagabalus mused. “I mean, I’m the one who invented it, after all.”

“Fifty sounds wonderful!” Salmoneus said, elbowing Autolycus sharply. “Why don’t we discuss the exact terms tonight?”

“Yeah, sounds good. I look forward to seeing your dance again.” He smirked at the two of them. “By the way, if you steal my whoopee cushion idea I’ll throw you to the lions.”

Salmoneus curtseyed after standing up. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Emperor!”

Autolycus curtseyed as well. “Thought hadn’t crossed my mind.”

*

Once they were outside, Salmoneus let out a pleased cry. “I’m gonna be rich!”

“We’re gonna be rich,” Autolycus corrected him.

“What’re you talking about? I’m the businessman here, I already have contacts in every city in Greece who can sell those whoopee cushions as soon as I get them out there,” Salmoneus said. “What makes you think you’re getting anything?”

Autolycus smirked. “Remember in the wagon? We agreed to split whatever this greatest treasure was between us. Fifty percent for you, fifty percent for me.” He laughed. “Well, more like twenty five percent, but hey, who’s complaining?” He grinned at Salmoneus. “And you don’t want to cut the King of Thieves out of a deal, do you? I might let the whole thing slip to Widow Twanky and you know her troupe is in financial trouble…”

“Fine!” Salmoneus exclaimed, huffing in annoyance. “You can have your share. But I’m still gonna be rich.”

Oh yes, Autolycus thought to himself as they made their way through Rome. They were gonna be rich.

Although Salmoneus would be a little less richer once Autolycus was done with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Autolycus and Salmoneus always made every Hercules episode they were in a little bit more fun, and Men In Pink is a delightful silly episode, and I had fun writing this little treat for you. I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Emperor Elagabalus, by the way, did exist, was into crossdressing himself and did use some sort of early type of the whoopie cushion, although I have no idea if he invented it or even celebrated Saturnalia! But one of the other fun things about Hercules TLJ is that historical accuracy was very much optional, so I hope no one minds my flexibility with the facts.


End file.
